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This morning at work I had the worse degree of psychosis to date. There was a swarm of crystals having a 5 to 1 aspect ratio and variously beveled ends lighting up red, blue, yellow, white and black. The black ones were fascinating in that they would light up and radiate blackness. All the crystals were either horizontal or vertical. They would dance and bounce around forming patterns and lines moving all over my visual field, but much more concentrated on the left until I was virtually blinded on the left side. This activity lasted about three hours and was mood incongruent. My mood was stable except that as this went on and on I became irritable. During this episode I was able to act as though things were okay and did my job to the best of my ability.
Later in the afternoon I went to see my psychiatrist. Ne didn’t have much in the way of insight for me other than wanting to increase my antipsychotic medications, which I declined. Amy still thinks I should be reclassified from bipolar 1 with psychotic features to schizoaffective of the bipolar type. It wouldn’t affect my treatment, so why bother.
Anyway it’s late and I’m going to bed.
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After 14 years, I had to give up my cat Kako today and I’m very sad. She stopped using the litter box and the people I live with found that to be absolutely unacceptable. They also wouldn’t let Kako sleep in my bed with me. I had to give her up and so she went back to the cat care society where I got her all those years ago.

I was told I had to send her off last Sunday night. I’ve been in a low grad depression since. Monday I had a brief psychosis in which Amy’s cat Pumpkin came into my place of work wearing a very nice three piece lawyer suit to try to plead Kako’s case. I had to dispel that hallucination and the two that followed and dip into my emergency meds.

I lost my cell phone and had to get it replaced. Other than that, not mch to report.
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It’s been way too long…
I’ve been through a lot recently, and I’m not sure if my meds are being a problem. I’m trying out a new P-doc to see if he has any ideas about how to medicate me without leaving me shaking so hard I can’t work and hopefully I won’t have to put up with Akathisia anymore. Hopefully this new doc won’t do like the last did and say, “I don’t know anything about autism so I’ll ignore it in your treatment.” If he does, I’ll move on.

But the big news is that the book is nearly done. Just a couple rough spots left that we should be able to get through in a week or two.

I managed to sell my house before it went into foreclosure. I’m staying with friends for now and will probably be moving to Boulder sometime in the future. The friends I’m staying with say I can’t leave until the book is done. (Do they mean published?) Anyone know a good agent?

I want to welcome a new friend, 2342319516. It seems we went to high school together. Hello Tim.
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If you won two free round-trip plane tickets anywhere in the world, where would you go and who would you bring?
Antarctica in June. I would take Allison’s Gary, and I would try to arrange it so he misses the flight out. (Could it be two one-way tickets for the both of them and I could relax at home?)

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I saw my shrink Tuesday and we’ve dropped another med. He said I should be unstable and feared I would go manic at any moment. I’m just on 2 psych meds and I’m thinking of dropping the anti-depressant. To properly complete this medication makeover, all I need is raging mania, uncontrolled psychosis, crushing depressions, grandiose delusions, and maybe a hospitalization or two. On the up side, I have most of those annoying autistic traits under control. But I’ve decided to keep rocking because I enjoy it. There is clear correlation between the ASD and meds and I don’t know if I’ll ever allow myself to get lost like that again. The shrink doesn’t understand autism so he chooses to ignore that as an issue in my case. I’m tempted to fire him for it, but I don’t think there are many shrinks with expertise in all my conditions, and here I have a shrink willing to write any script I can vaguely justify. I need to get to the Timothy Leary pharmacy to have this script for LSD filled. (Just kidding.)

I just ran across something that I, as a transsexual woman, find interesting. Take a look: http://www.magic-cone.com/animation1.htm. Perhaps I’m developing a case of penis envy. Seriously though, I’m considering ordering a case to be delivered to the Gender Identity Center for the men to use.

My mom is in the hospital recovering from the removal of a golf ball sized benign tumor from her upper sigmoid. I managed to see both my sisters and my brother and let them know of my legal name and gender change. Mom’s having a rough time as the pain med only lasts about 45 minutes and every time she drifts off to sleep, the pain wakes her up and she has to push the button on the machine for another dose. I hope the engineer who designed the system has a similar experience so they can learn to add an automatic delivery during sleep mode. I hate poorly thought out medical devices. I’m tempted to get a kitchen timer and sit there pushing the button for her so she can sleep and recuperate.
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. . . and all that crap. I had a definite urge to go bungee jumping with rope instead of elastic; tied around my neck instead of my feet. Unfortunately with today being 47, the symmetry would be all wrong.

I’m going through a medication makeover, so I know this minor bit of light depression I’m feeling is not necessarily a problem and I see the P doc on Tuesday. Suicidal thoughts have been an occasional hobby of mine since 14. Although my mind is cluttered with dark thoughts, my mood is near normal so don’t panic just yet.

Working at half my former pay scale isn’t going to work, but it’s better than making nothing at all.

My friend Allie hasn’t been having a pleasant time. Her man is hospitalized with something actually wrong this time if the liar can be believed. Anyway, this coincided with her mood crashing seriously. I think she was feeling suicidal before he started feeling ill.

My name change will continue progressing over the next few weeks or perhaps months. Maybe if I could get a break for a bit I could prepare to do a couple things a day until I get it all done. Obvious unrealistic thinking.
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It’s been a while since I’ve posted here; I’ve been busy working as a glass bevel grinder. When I started the job, in the first week of July, it didn’t take me long to realize that the degree of the tremors I have as a side effect of the medications I’m on is not compatible with hand grinding glass. So far I’ve only ruined a few pieces and I’m the only person troubled by this.

In an effort to get my shaking under control I’ve switched mood stabilizers from Trileptal to lithium. (I thought the Trileptal was the problem.) I still have the shakes at the same level as before. Yesterday morning I began taking Porpranolol, and it seemed that during work I was relatively stable, with fewer problems than before. Today however, I feel as shaky as ever. I may have to up the dose to give this med a fair shot. If I don’t improve, I’ll discontinue the Zyprexa, then the Wellbutrin, leaving me on lithium mono-therapy and dealing with the mood episodes psychologically. I’m sure my psychiatrist won’t agree with dropping meds until I regain physical stability putting my emotional stability at risk.

I’ve been focusing most of my free time to reading and working on my book. Unfortunately I screwed up and lost a full week of writing.

I’ve taken what I’ve been told is a big step in my gender transition. I’ve gotten a legal name change from the court. Now I have to get the change registered at the bank, power, water, phone, mortgage, drivers license, passport, the IRS, basically anyplace I do business that may be considered to be a creditor. This also means getting things changed with the temp agency I’m working through. I suppose the FBI and CBI already know since I had to send my fingerprints to both to get this far (Colorado has the most draconian laws concerning name change of any state in the union.)

So from now on I’m Carol Jean, but I’ll still answer to CJ.
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My good friend and co-author Karen is in the hospital, and Elisabeth is given to calling it a snake pit. She went in Wednesday, it’s now Sunday and she has been seen once by a doctor and once by a therapist. They haven’t done anything different with her meds and she is still suffering as badly as when she went in. We’ve been telling her to check herself out and go to a different hospital where she’ll get proper care.

It’s likely that by the end of this crisis, Karen will likely have a new diagnosis, a change from Bipolar 1 with psychotic features to schizoaffective of the bipolar type. She is struggling against an externalized critical voice telling her to hurt herself, and if she gives ion to the voice and makes a cut, then Elisabeth will leave her.

I know I indicated I would post more from my book. The situation Karen’s in reminds me of this story. Tom/Darla was brought to the Center from the State mental hospital by his/her case manager.


Tom/DarlaCollapse )
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Well, all my hot job prospects have fallen through. This leaves me without hope. I don’t know what I’m going to do but perhaps I should try going in a totally different direction. I’ve been unemployed for a year, and this alone is making it harder for me to get anything. I think I’ll ask my vocational rehabilitation counselor if she can give me some sort of assessment test to see what other careers I might do well in and just drop the thirty years of electronics.

Recently I have been studying suicide in an effort to put together a training program for awareness and sensitivity training for the group facilitators at the Gender Identity Center of Colorado. I’ve been having the devil of a time finding good information the transsexual population. I would naturally expect a higher rate of depression in this population, but claims that the suicide rate is 50% or 31% are bogus. A much more reasonable number is 0.8% for post-op transsexuals. I can’t find any good numbers for the per-op population and nothing at all for cross-dressers.

Between looking for work and hunting for obscure and morbid statistics I’m feeling a bit down, but I think I’ll be able to work through it without becoming obscure and morbid myself.

Well, that’s what I’ve been up to, maybe next time I’ll throw out another bit from my book.
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I had another job interview today and was week in transistor theory so they want to interview several more candidates before making a decision. I’m starting to feel depressed thinking I’ll never find a job.

I’ve been having just a tad bit of trouble lately with the world not being as solid and reliable as I expect it to be. Last week I observed a wall breathing, a doorframe slowly moving back and forth, icons on my computer running in small little circles, things with solid fixed positions moving slightly, a table sagged briefly. So far, this all has just been minor perceptual distortions, that is, I know very well that what I’m seeing isn’t real. I’ve had this sort of thing happen before, and it has never been a problem, just something to take note of. I don’t think it is medication related because all my life there would be the occasional object that would “go soft.” In my early years soft things had to be touched to make them hard again, then I learned they would get better without my intervention. In recent years it would just be one thing with a long span of time between, but I am always watching for these events. Now that I’ve had one every day for a week, I’m starting to think it might be more than a simple visual sensory overload problem. At what point does a standard autistic trait become psychosis? Common factors in each occurrence are that I was tired at the time, and I was in an unfamiliar environment.
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